Horny As Hell

I was desperately horny! After my divorce a couple of years previous, I had not been with a man in any way, especially not in the biblical sense.  So there I was one day looking longingly at the 270 pound butcher at my local meat market. I was just so incredibly horny. Now I know what Penelope must have felt like when her husband Odysseus (Ulysses) was gone for seven years.

For the last two years, I had spent all my time juggling a job, not to be mistaken for a career, and my young daughter.  Finally she was going to school full time, so I was able to steal some time for myself occasionally.  There was one big gigantic problem though. My free time consisted of two split days in the middle of the week.  So there I was with time on my hands and no way to put that time to a useful purpose like getting myself laid. I mean where can you meet guys in the middle of the afternoon for crying out loud. All the men my age at work were married, and the only single males were the boys stocking shelves. My options were few!

In the previous month's timeframe, I had gone through a box of batteries on just my vibrator alone.  It offered relief, but let me tell you, it is nothing like having a man going at you. The difference is like having a TV dinner rather than eating out at a 5 star restaurant to my mind. Keeps you going, but does nothing for your soul. When I found myself looking at the neighbors labrador retriever and wondering, I knew that I had crossed the line. I was now officially off the wall insane!  The lack of sex had finally eroded my entire sense of self worth. I was a nothing. What a miserable way to be!

In an effort to find a man that would be available during my strange off hours, I decided to enlist the aid of the Internet. The Internet was not my first choice, but all the usual venues for meeting men do not work during weekdays. Coffee clubs are great for meeting other stay at home women, but all the men you would want to meet are at work on the weekdays. Even though I might be able to meet some retired guys, my objective was to have some mutual satisfying sex. I did not want to risk having their heart stop in the middle of a marathon sexual orgy with me. PTA, clubs or bars are all after dinner events. There is really no place to meet men during the day. Ergo Internet!

I figured that I needed to be on some form of dating site, but which one? There were thousands of them. Page after page on google search results if you type in dating. I had seen the match.com and eharmony.com commercials on TV, but I did not know if I could believe them. I found plentyoffish talked about a lot, but the name sort of turned me off. Besides, it was another site that seemed to stress long term commitments. I eventually stumbled on a site that had rated a bunch of dating sites, and had the listings of the ones they recommended. It was not clear to me how they actually rated the sites, but I figured – what the heck. So I joined a few that they recommended.

I looked at the lists of sites while I was joining some of them. It was notable which sites where missing from the recommended list. I also found out that I was classified as a MILF.  I will not translate  MILF  to you because it is kinda gross, but I was told that the men on MILF sites realize that all the women have young children living at home.  Needless to say, all the sites that I joined were on their MILF page.

I was surprised at the numbers of emails I was bombarded with. What an amazing whirlwind of interest I fell into. Men were trying to contact me right, left and center. I am only average looking and I was getting offers to date some men's first email to me. What would happen to someone who was younger and really hot?  I found out that Internet dating sites can work really well, but at first they do not. At first you will be swamped by tons of complete crackpots with keyboards. If you are patient though, you can block most of them so that the better healed ones can become more visible to you. Even with all that culling of morons, I was still left with hundreds of decent guys to select from. Since I was not looking for something permanent yet, I tried to focus in on the ones that were looking for a more casual sort of relationship. I mean, I did not want to single out one guy too soon. I was looking for some action and I wanted some variety in that action. No need to settle down right away.

That rating site also had a bunch of advice articles for dating on the Internet. I learned to keep my personal information really private until I was confident I knew the other party was on the up and up. Seems like deprived women like myself tend to get a little careless at times when in heat like I was. So I stayed cool, kept anonymous, and kept safe. It did not take me too long to find four men who could accommodate my afternoon only schedule. Two of them had jobs where they worked the weekend, so they had days off in the middle of the week as well. One was working in traveling sales and often found himself in my town in the middle of the week. The other was between jobs. At this point I really did not care too much about their future prospects, I just wanted to know if they had something that would satisfy my itch.

Since I would always be meeting them in the middle of the afternoon, it was inherently safer than meeting at night. Still the same, I met each of them separately in crowded public places so I could get a better handle on them. You have no idea how hard it was for me to get through two or three dates each without rushing somewhere and ripping off their clothes. I did however, remember the warnings from the site and took my time.  I just had no chemistry with two of them. I would have felt as involved as a prostitute going to bed with them, so I very nicely cast them aside. The other two I now juggle on a weekly basis. One guy on Tuesday afternoon and the other on Thursday. Seems that for this farm girl, two is variety enough. For now!

This all started about 5 months ago, and now that I have my sex urges under control, I am looking for a more permanent relationship. With the two in the bag that I have, I can now take my time and find the right person. This time around, I have to be able to make myself available for a couple of evenings a week. My daughter will have to do without me for a bit. But she is older now, and if I go out after she goes to sleep, I will not be depriving her of any attention. I need all the help I can get. Please wish me luck in my hunt!

If you are curious about the site I used to find all the dating sites you can find it here:

Best Internet Dating Sites

Even a MILF Like Me Needs Sex

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Plenty Of Creepy Dates

As a single working women I was tired of coming home to an empty apartment and eating alone every night. With very little time to socialize, I decided to try one of those online dating sites. A good friend suggested a site called PlentyOfFish. The name seemed strange to me, but I joined anyway. To my way of thinking, it seems that plenty of fish is good at catching the fishermen, but not so good at helping the fishermen catch fish. Needless to say, I was not impressed with the matches that I got on that site. Maybe I should have been using worms for bait rather than me.

My first date with anyone from POF was with a guy from France. On our first date, the only thing that he wanted to do was to go to his house for drinks. I wanted to get to know him better before going to his house. Besides, I was hungry. So I suggested we go someplace for some food. He looked at me very strangely grabbed my arm and replied, “I am not wanting to know you. I am only wanting sex.” Well I suggested that if he touched me I would string him up by the eyelids and kick him in the nuts until he blinked!

OMG , I could go on for weeks telling you horror stories from POF connections. Married men, perverts, pigs who say they're looking for long term relationships but only want to get you in bed. Then of course there are the borderline stalkers that call even after you tell them you are not interested. I do not get the mentality of some guys who think that by being excessively persistent you will somehow change your opinion of them. Sometimes even the threat of police action does not deter them. There is even a Gaga video that shows POF being used in prison. From my experiences, I will bet money that prison inmates have full access to this site.

I personally have never met so many liars and fakes in one place in all my life. I met at least 30 guys in person and only one was worth dating, and as it turned out he was only looking to marry someone because he was an illegal immigrant who wanted to stay in the country. I found one good way to cull out most of the phonies though. I set up a toss away account on hotmail and then invite them for a video chat. I only went out with the ones that looked something like their online photo, and could hold an intelligent conversation interactively. POF does have one good thing to say about it. If you are a bit short on looks, you will still get a lot of attention.

The last straw for me with POF came when I made a date with a so called registered accountant, who by the way lives in a first class condo in down town New York. The evening started out on a high note. We went to a really nice Italian restaurant, where we ordered lasagna and a nice Chianti to go with it. For desert we had tiramisu. I had never went back to anyone's apartment before on a first date, but I made a rare exception in his case. Everything seemed to be on the up and up with him. He was attentive in his apartment as well. We listened to music while we talked and kissed and snuggled. It was so great!  Of course, the inevitable happened. The creep got around to telling me that he wanted me to prance around his apartment naked wearing nothing but a horse tail butt plug. Well after I hit him with my purse and told him what I thought of him I cantered out of his life.

It was then I realized that POF was not for me and deleted my profile. I was discouraged, and decided to never join another dating site.I was in the dumps about all of this and I promised myself that I would never do internet dating again. My friend, seeing how disillusioned I had become, decided to do some searching of her own. She told me she had stumbled upon a link that took her to a page that was full of dating site links for all kinds of dating preferences. She told me I should check it out. She was sure I would find a site that had what I was looking for. When I got there I viewed it with a lot of skepticism, but once I realized the POF was not on their recommended list, they gained a bit in my esteem.  I was also surprised to find that eharmony was not there either – with all the ads on TV I had seen, they were the one I was going to try next, but they were just so darn expensive. I checked out a few of the sites and signed up on three. The nice thing was that all of these were free for women, but the men had to pay. That must help filter out a lot of the cretins, because it has been better. Best move I ever made. Now I am meeting decent men who are not looking for a bed buddy, but are genuinely looking for serious long term relationships. My happiness index has gone up a few points since then because I now have a social life again. What a nice change!

Most dating sites are not bad, although the totally free ones tend to attract more riffraff I am told. Even the best dating sites will have a few bad apples in them. You have to be on your guard anywhere. With internet dating you have to practice safe hex before you practice safe sex. Some sites will take that little extra step in an effort to keep their site safe. Bad apples will always find away to slip in to any site though, so its up to you to be aware of this and to not give out to much private information.

So check out the following link. I am sure you will find not only great sites like I did, but some really good advice in the articles. Good luck.

Online Dating Advice For Women

A Drip In Time Saves Nothing

It could be a hardship living across the hall from a hunk. He was tall, slender, and amazing. He had all his deep brown hair, a muscular physique, and was tall. At least six feet two inches Not to brag, but men seem to flutter around me like bees around flowers. Let me tell you that can be a problem at times. It seems that I often have to come up with creative ways of letting a guy know I am not interested without hurting his feelings. For some reason though, my gorgeous neighbor and I were just not compatible for some reason. We just could not keep a meaningful dialog going.  If we passed in the hallway, about the only thing we could reliably manage was a blurt of 'hello'. Sometimes there would be a change of gait, as if each of us was trying to think fo something to say, but that was it. Even Nora Roberts would have trouble spinning that into a lasting romance. I took the initiative a couple of times to strike up a conversation, but he would at most just answer my questions. There was never anything coming back at me initiated from his end. We just could not get past that barrier.

I was single and living a girl who had replied to my want ad for someone to split the rent. It is kind of tough for single women like ourselves who are just getting started in the work force to rent an apartment on our own, so like so many other women, we rented a two bedroom apartment and split the costs. We were reasonably compatible as apartment mates, and had even taken to warning each other on nights that we thought we might get lucky with some good looking guy we were dating.  Since my roommate was a sex screamer, I usually holed up in my room with my mp3 player on full and a good romantic novel. Sometimes I would just lay back and entertain myself with my vibrator. This lack of privacy that we had to endue at times had a good side. We ended up pretty good friends and would often use each other as sounding boards to share our hopes, dreams, and letdowns.

At this particular time, I was between boyfriends.  As many women have experienced, when you have nobody in your life on a daily basis, you start to slip up on the care and maintenance of your body department. I had not shaved my legs in quite a while, and it was getting sort of embarrassing when I put on panty hose. I only had so many pairs of slacks, and after a while it got boring wearing pants every day. So when my room mate went out one night with her current love interest, I decided to wash my hair, touch up my roots, shave my legs and take a nice long hot bath before they came home.

The great thing about our apartment was that our utilities were included, and one of those utilities was hot water. Try as I might, I had never managed to run the tank cold, so I would often take nice prolonged baths. So after I had touched up my roots, I had a quick shower to wash the excess dye out of my hair. Then I shaved my legs. At that point I drained the tub, had another quick rinse in the shower to get any stray hairs off of my body, and then filled the tub again for a nice long, hot bubble bath. I laid back with my eyes closed for about five minutes, when I heard the sound of a single drip. Another one followed a few seconds later, and another one after that. So much for peace and quiet. I sat up hoping to fix it. At first I figured that I had just not shut the taps tight enough, but I was wrong. They were fully shut. Then I realized that it must just be the shower draining back through the spout.

As I lay back to relax again, I heard another plop, and realized that I was not going to be able to enjoy myself as long as that drip persisted. So I rested against the back of the tub again, and lifted my toe up to the end of the faucet. The next drip just ran down my toe, down my foot and slipped silently into the water. It was successful enough that I just kept my foot there.  Pretty soon I was just laying there with my eyes closed running my toe around the end of the spout.  I must have dozed off a bit because I slid down and got some bubbles up my nose. I sneezed, and when I did, I jerked my foot up and my big toe got stuck in the spout.  No amount of trying would get that toe to move. It was like it had been glued in. 

I persisted for another twenty five minutes or so, but it was useless. I could not budge it. My whole leg was starting to ache. The water was getting cooler as I started to laugh at the incredible absurdity of the situation. An hour or so later, there was no more humor in the situation. The water was cold and I felt like I was freezing to death. Since I could reach my towel, I decided to let the water out and cover myself with it. My toe was pretty much numb by then, and my leg felt like my muscles were on fire. Every muscle in my leg was screaming in pain, but there was nothing to be done but wait for my roommate.

Fortunately for me she came in early. She had had a fight with her boyfriend. When I heard her come in the door, I yelled at her to come and help me right away. She tried to pull my foot down to get my toe out, but had no better luck than I did. I had been thinking about what to do when my roommate got home earlier, and had thought of the fire department. At first having a big strapping guy come to pull out my foot like my own personal prince charming seemed quite romantic. Then reality had set in, and I had imagined them using some power tool to cut my toe out of the faucet. That in turn got me on the line of what would happen to my toe if the saw slipped. Needless to say, when my roommate said she was going to call the fire department, I screamed, and pretty much nixed that idea.

Since I would not let her call the fire department, or the paramedics for that matter, she did the only other thing that she could think of. She went over to Mr Body Beautiful's apartment across the hall, knocked on the door and pleaded for help.  At least I was mostly covered when he walked in.  Of course when he tried to just pull my toe out, it did not work either. But it sure as hell hurt!  I screamed and he apologized. He looked so woebegone that he had hurt me that I had to forgive him. I mean what else could I do, he was trying to help! He seemed even more handsome than I remembered, and I loved his aftershave.

After pondering a bit, he asked for some crushed ice and vegetable oil.  Seemed strange to me, but my roommate rushed to give him what he wanted.  When she returned he cupped his hands around my big toe and asked her to pour some oil in. When they were finished, I had oil all over my toe, and there was also oil up inside the spout. He tried pulling gently, but it still was stuck. He told me that he was going to try chilling my toe in crushed ice hoping that the swelling would go down enough to pull it out. But after ten minutes of chilling that did not work either.

After thinking some more, he asked my roommate for a plastic freezer bag or something similar. She returned with a grocery store bag and a heavier bag from a woman's boutique that she frequented. He said the grocery bag was too thin, but decided that the bag from the boutique would be adequate for his purposes. At this point he disappeared for a couple of minutes and came back with a wrench from his apartment.  He removed the shower head, and after doubling up the bag and putting it over the pipe, he put the shower head back on. He said it was to keep the water from coming out. I was wondering how I was supposed to take my next shower with a bag in there, but I did not comment. Then he iced my toe again for about twenty minutes. It sure was getting cold by then. As soon as he was done he told my roommate to turn on the water, and he simultaneously pulled down sharply on my foot.  Out popped my toe. He slipped and fell on top of me and in the scramble my towel fell off.

So there I was naked in the tub under hunky guy.  I had to laugh. We were soon all doubled up in hysterical laughter.  I was so happy to have my toe free that I really did not give a crap that I was still laying naked in the tub.

In any event, we finally broke that conversation barrier that we had been having.  We chatted and laughed for the rest of the evening, and I maneuvered him into asking me out the next night before I let him go home.  The next night, I was still limping a bit, but I sure did enjoy myself, and so did he.

That was six months ago and everything has been doing great since then. Who would have thought that my date with a drip would have worked out so well.

For more funny dating stories see the following:

Humorous Relationships Advice for Women