What a Banana

I communicated with a guy online that a friend of mine had given my messenger address to, we chatted for about two months. We finally decided to meet for lunch one day as a way to see if anything more would develop. He lived quite some distance from me, but agreed to meet me on my turf. He showed up in an old truck (and I mean old) it looked like it had once belonged to “Jed Clampett”!

I greeted him and things started to go downhill even more quickly. He looked like he just came from a construction site, he was completely unkempt and his clothes were dirty, dusty and smelly. He told me that I would have to drive his truck to the restaurant. When I asked why he told me he was afraid that his foot would go through the floor as it was rotted away and he wasn’t sure if the piece of cardboard and duct tape he had placed there would hold.

We went to a small Chinese buffet for lunch. It was nice and the food was excellent. Things seemed to be looking up a bit, but that was short lived.  After telling me how nice I looked, always nice to hear, he proceeded to tell me that he only had two toes on one foot (like I really gave a shit) and how he had lost them as a child playing with his father's rifle. He then told me that he did not have a job. He had lied to me so I would go out with him. He was about to be evicted from his friends garage of all things. That was where he was living. He then told me he had no job prospects, no money and he knew he was not too attractive. He sobbed and cried hysterically saying if I didn’t want him he was going to shoot off the toes on his other foot. What could I do but just pat his hand and tell him to be patient that there is someone out there for him and that things will work out for him eventually. He did not have enough money to pay for my lunch so we had to go dutch; at which point we went to my apartment.

As we stood at my apartment door he remembered that he had bought a gift for me and that he had left it in the truck. He asked me what my favourite colour was and I said it was yellow. He then ran down the hall in excitement. I was kind of curious about what he would give me that was yellow. I soon found out. He came back with some ripe bananas for crying out loud. I was stunned!. At this point I was informed that since he had too much to drink, he would have to spend the night. Holy cow! I tried to push him out the door. He was very reluctant to leave so I did the only thing I could do. I threw bananas at him until he ran out the door as I slammed it! He continued pounding on my door saying let me in. I told him to take his bananas and go or I would call the police; so he left.

It proved to be a costly date. I have since moved and no longer allow my friends to fix me up.

I am going to try an online dating site. They guarantee anonymity. Hopefully the guys their can come up with something other than just their bananas to keep me happy.

Online Dating Sites

Horny As Hell

I was desperately horny! After my divorce a couple of years previous, I had not been with a man in any way, especially not in the biblical sense.  So there I was one day looking longingly at the 270 pound butcher at my local meat market. I was just so incredibly horny. Now I know what Penelope must have felt like when her husband Odysseus (Ulysses) was gone for seven years.

For the last two years, I had spent all my time juggling a job, not to be mistaken for a career, and my young daughter.  Finally she was going to school full time, so I was able to steal some time for myself occasionally.  There was one big gigantic problem though. My free time consisted of two split days in the middle of the week.  So there I was with time on my hands and no way to put that time to a useful purpose like getting myself laid. I mean where can you meet guys in the middle of the afternoon for crying out loud. All the men my age at work were married, and the only single males were the boys stocking shelves. My options were few!

In the previous month's timeframe, I had gone through a box of batteries on just my vibrator alone.  It offered relief, but let me tell you, it is nothing like having a man going at you. The difference is like having a TV dinner rather than eating out at a 5 star restaurant to my mind. Keeps you going, but does nothing for your soul. When I found myself looking at the neighbors labrador retriever and wondering, I knew that I had crossed the line. I was now officially off the wall insane!  The lack of sex had finally eroded my entire sense of self worth. I was a nothing. What a miserable way to be!

In an effort to find a man that would be available during my strange off hours, I decided to enlist the aid of the Internet. The Internet was not my first choice, but all the usual venues for meeting men do not work during weekdays. Coffee clubs are great for meeting other stay at home women, but all the men you would want to meet are at work on the weekdays. Even though I might be able to meet some retired guys, my objective was to have some mutual satisfying sex. I did not want to risk having their heart stop in the middle of a marathon sexual orgy with me. PTA, clubs or bars are all after dinner events. There is really no place to meet men during the day. Ergo Internet!

I figured that I needed to be on some form of dating site, but which one? There were thousands of them. Page after page on google search results if you type in dating. I had seen the match.com and eharmony.com commercials on TV, but I did not know if I could believe them. I found plentyoffish talked about a lot, but the name sort of turned me off. Besides, it was another site that seemed to stress long term commitments. I eventually stumbled on a site that had rated a bunch of dating sites, and had the listings of the ones they recommended. It was not clear to me how they actually rated the sites, but I figured – what the heck. So I joined a few that they recommended.

I looked at the lists of sites while I was joining some of them. It was notable which sites where missing from the recommended list. I also found out that I was classified as a MILF.  I will not translate  MILF  to you because it is kinda gross, but I was told that the men on MILF sites realize that all the women have young children living at home.  Needless to say, all the sites that I joined were on their MILF page.

I was surprised at the numbers of emails I was bombarded with. What an amazing whirlwind of interest I fell into. Men were trying to contact me right, left and center. I am only average looking and I was getting offers to date some men's first email to me. What would happen to someone who was younger and really hot?  I found out that Internet dating sites can work really well, but at first they do not. At first you will be swamped by tons of complete crackpots with keyboards. If you are patient though, you can block most of them so that the better healed ones can become more visible to you. Even with all that culling of morons, I was still left with hundreds of decent guys to select from. Since I was not looking for something permanent yet, I tried to focus in on the ones that were looking for a more casual sort of relationship. I mean, I did not want to single out one guy too soon. I was looking for some action and I wanted some variety in that action. No need to settle down right away.

That rating site also had a bunch of advice articles for dating on the Internet. I learned to keep my personal information really private until I was confident I knew the other party was on the up and up. Seems like deprived women like myself tend to get a little careless at times when in heat like I was. So I stayed cool, kept anonymous, and kept safe. It did not take me too long to find four men who could accommodate my afternoon only schedule. Two of them had jobs where they worked the weekend, so they had days off in the middle of the week as well. One was working in traveling sales and often found himself in my town in the middle of the week. The other was between jobs. At this point I really did not care too much about their future prospects, I just wanted to know if they had something that would satisfy my itch.

Since I would always be meeting them in the middle of the afternoon, it was inherently safer than meeting at night. Still the same, I met each of them separately in crowded public places so I could get a better handle on them. You have no idea how hard it was for me to get through two or three dates each without rushing somewhere and ripping off their clothes. I did however, remember the warnings from the site and took my time.  I just had no chemistry with two of them. I would have felt as involved as a prostitute going to bed with them, so I very nicely cast them aside. The other two I now juggle on a weekly basis. One guy on Tuesday afternoon and the other on Thursday. Seems that for this farm girl, two is variety enough. For now!

This all started about 5 months ago, and now that I have my sex urges under control, I am looking for a more permanent relationship. With the two in the bag that I have, I can now take my time and find the right person. This time around, I have to be able to make myself available for a couple of evenings a week. My daughter will have to do without me for a bit. But she is older now, and if I go out after she goes to sleep, I will not be depriving her of any attention. I need all the help I can get. Please wish me luck in my hunt!

If you are curious about the site I used to find all the dating sites you can find it here:

Best Internet Dating Sites

Plenty Of Creepy Dates

As a single working women I was tired of coming home to an empty apartment and eating alone every night. With very little time to socialize, I decided to try one of those online dating sites. A good friend suggested a site called PlentyOfFish. The name seemed strange to me, but I joined anyway. To my way of thinking, it seems that plenty of fish is good at catching the fishermen, but not so good at helping the fishermen catch fish. Needless to say, I was not impressed with the matches that I got on that site. Maybe I should have been using worms for bait rather than me.

My first date with anyone from POF was with a guy from France. On our first date, the only thing that he wanted to do was to go to his house for drinks. I wanted to get to know him better before going to his house. Besides, I was hungry. So I suggested we go someplace for some food. He looked at me very strangely grabbed my arm and replied, “I am not wanting to know you. I am only wanting sex.” Well I suggested that if he touched me I would string him up by the eyelids and kick him in the nuts until he blinked!

OMG , I could go on for weeks telling you horror stories from POF connections. Married men, perverts, pigs who say they're looking for long term relationships but only want to get you in bed. Then of course there are the borderline stalkers that call even after you tell them you are not interested. I do not get the mentality of some guys who think that by being excessively persistent you will somehow change your opinion of them. Sometimes even the threat of police action does not deter them. There is even a Gaga video that shows POF being used in prison. From my experiences, I will bet money that prison inmates have full access to this site.

I personally have never met so many liars and fakes in one place in all my life. I met at least 30 guys in person and only one was worth dating, and as it turned out he was only looking to marry someone because he was an illegal immigrant who wanted to stay in the country. I found one good way to cull out most of the phonies though. I set up a toss away account on hotmail and then invite them for a video chat. I only went out with the ones that looked something like their online photo, and could hold an intelligent conversation interactively. POF does have one good thing to say about it. If you are a bit short on looks, you will still get a lot of attention.

The last straw for me with POF came when I made a date with a so called registered accountant, who by the way lives in a first class condo in down town New York. The evening started out on a high note. We went to a really nice Italian restaurant, where we ordered lasagna and a nice Chianti to go with it. For desert we had tiramisu. I had never went back to anyone's apartment before on a first date, but I made a rare exception in his case. Everything seemed to be on the up and up with him. He was attentive in his apartment as well. We listened to music while we talked and kissed and snuggled. It was so great!  Of course, the inevitable happened. The creep got around to telling me that he wanted me to prance around his apartment naked wearing nothing but a horse tail butt plug. Well after I hit him with my purse and told him what I thought of him I cantered out of his life.

It was then I realized that POF was not for me and deleted my profile. I was discouraged, and decided to never join another dating site.I was in the dumps about all of this and I promised myself that I would never do internet dating again. My friend, seeing how disillusioned I had become, decided to do some searching of her own. She told me she had stumbled upon a link that took her to a page that was full of dating site links for all kinds of dating preferences. She told me I should check it out. She was sure I would find a site that had what I was looking for. When I got there I viewed it with a lot of skepticism, but once I realized the POF was not on their recommended list, they gained a bit in my esteem.  I was also surprised to find that eharmony was not there either – with all the ads on TV I had seen, they were the one I was going to try next, but they were just so darn expensive. I checked out a few of the sites and signed up on three. The nice thing was that all of these were free for women, but the men had to pay. That must help filter out a lot of the cretins, because it has been better. Best move I ever made. Now I am meeting decent men who are not looking for a bed buddy, but are genuinely looking for serious long term relationships. My happiness index has gone up a few points since then because I now have a social life again. What a nice change!

Most dating sites are not bad, although the totally free ones tend to attract more riffraff I am told. Even the best dating sites will have a few bad apples in them. You have to be on your guard anywhere. With internet dating you have to practice safe hex before you practice safe sex. Some sites will take that little extra step in an effort to keep their site safe. Bad apples will always find away to slip in to any site though, so its up to you to be aware of this and to not give out to much private information.

So check out the following link. I am sure you will find not only great sites like I did, but some really good advice in the articles. Good luck.

Online Dating Advice For Women

When Good Intentions Go Bad

This happened to me several years ago, when I was much younger and naive.  It has to be classified as one of those moments that are a bit mortifying at the time, but in retrospect is truly hysterical.

I was going out with a really nice guy that I had met for a few months at that time. We had moved in together, and of course were exclusive with each other. It had got to the point where we were not using condoms anymore. I mean, I was on the pill, neither of us had an STD, so why would we need them?  In any event, we had been enjoying sex for quite some time.  Looking back, I realize that he was the first person that I had oral sex with. I was only passable at it, but he was amazing. Boy could he get me off!

Somehow that was not enough for me. I was an avid reader and had read about those great orgasms that women in those books always had with their lovers. I wanted to be able to feel that sensation that they described. You see, the issue was that even though he was great at oral sex, he just had no staying power at all with conventional sex. He was just so good at the oral that I was pretty happy for the most part, but I longed for that feeling that I had read about. I mean, it just felt so good for the short time that he was in there that I was sure that my head would come off if he could last longer.

Being somewhat frustrated, and because I would not talk to anybody I knew about it, I felt compelled to take the initiative to correct the problem all by myself.  I had noticed a sex shop near where I worked, and one day I sort of skulked into the place. After a while, I approached the sales lady and explained my problem.  She smiled and said that it was very common, especially with younger men. She said that she had a numbing cream that would desensitize everything and help him to last longer. It appeared to be what I would need, so I bought it from her and took it home with me.

For the rest of the day, time dragged. I had in my hot little hands the formula that would change my sex life forever. It would move my sex life up about a hundred notches at least! I had been waiting my whole adult life for this! I was going to have the kind of orgasm that would make the gods weep, make the earth stop in its orbit, and make a fifty dollar prostitute jealous!

That night, as I was getting ready for bed, I squeezed some from the tube and applied it liberally to my pussy. I could feel the effects immediately! As I got into bed, I left no doubt in his mind that I wanted to make love with him. We kissed long and passionately, then he started to kiss me on the neck, then my nipples. I was going wild. At that point, he started to lick my pussy!

I was waiting for my usual response to his tongue, but something was wrong. It did not feel right! I was just not feeling him like normal. I kept telling him to go faster. Pretty soon I was screaming it! When I looked at him, his eyes were wide in panic. He tried to say something but all that came out was “AHHU HUAM MUHA”. He could not seem to talk! He ran to the bathroom and started to rinse his mouth out with water. In a desperate measure, he started to wash his mouth with soap, but all that did was make him gag. He still could not talk.  It took about a half hour for everything to settle down enough that he could talk.

He asked me if I knew what had happened.  When I explained my problem, he looked at me strangely and then asked to see the tube. Reading the instructions he just looked at me and shook his head. He asked me if I had read the instructions, and I said no. When he asked my why not, I said that the woman in the store told me what to do. She told me I just had to rub it on.  He said that had I actually read the instructions, I would have known to rub it on him rather than on me.  Not only that, but the instructions on the tube said that under no circumstances should you engage in oral sex!

At first I was mortified. Then I started chuckling. Of course laughing is infectious and as we both started to laugh. Pretty soon we were both rolling on the floor stark naked. It was hysterical!

Well several years have gone by, and I am a lot more worldly. As it turns out, that was not my last trip to a sex shop, but I always read the instructions completely, and do exactly as they say.  Unfortunately, our relationship did not last for very long after that night. His career took him some place I could not go. But of all the men I have loved, he is the one that I always smile about when I think of him.

You can find more humorous stories by following the link below:

Relationship Tips for Women

Take Your Bananas And Go

I sort of fell into communicating with a guy online for a couple of months because my best friend gave him my messenger address. We finally decided to meet for lunch one day as a way to see if anything more would develop. He lived quite some distance from me, but agreed to meet me on my turf. He showed up in an old truck (and I mean old) it looked like it had once belonged to “Jed Clampett”!

I greeted him and things started to go downhill even more quickly. He was rather dusty and had grease on his hands, and apologized saying that the truck had broken down on the way over. He insisted that I drive, and when I got in and saw a gaping hole in the passenger floor boards, I understood why.

We decided to go to an Chinese buffet. It was nice and the food was quite tasty. My assumption that things were getting better were unfortunately short lived.  After telling me how nice I looked, always nice to hear, he proceeded to tell me that he only had two toes on one foot (like I really gave a shit) and how he had lost them as a child playing with his father's rifle. He said that he had told me that he had a job so that I would not think him a loser. He was about to be evicted from his friends garage of all things. That was where he was living. Then this loser started to blubber that he had nothing. No job, no prospects and he knew that he was not good looking. He was so annoying it was pathetic. Rather than beat him about the head and shoulders with a baseball bat like I desperately wanted to, I just bit my tongue and consoled him. I said that he just had to be patient and the right one would come along. It just would not be me. He paid for lunch and then he took me back to my apartment.

He told me he had a gift for me in the truck and said he hoped that yellow was my favorite color. I told him it was and he seemed pleased as he raced away. I wondered what the heck he could have for me that was yellow, and I soon found out. He returned a few minutes later with some over-ripe bananas. I didn't know weather to laugh or cry so I did neither. Instead I just stood there in awe. At this point I was informed that since he had too much to drink, he would have to spend the night. I told him (over my dead body) and tried to push him out the door. He was very reluctant to leave so I did the only thing I could do. I attacked him with my bananas, hurling them at him until he backed up into the hall, then I slammed the door! He pounded on the door for me to let him in but I would not budge. I told him to take his bananas and go or I would call the police; so he left.

It was the most expensive date I have ever been on. I felt compelled to move, and change my messenger id and email address. My friends know better than to give out my information to casual acquaintances anymore.

I am going to try an online dating site. They guarantee anonymity. Hopefully the guys their can come up with something other than just their bananas to keep me happy.

Online Dating Sites